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Dec. 7th, 2001 12:29 amWhy do I always feel out of place at social gatherings? I just stand around and make small talk with people, but not once am I at all comfortable. It doesn't make sense. I know most of these people, like a lot of those I know, and even consider a few friends. I don't know why I can't get past the traumatic childhood experiences I had when I was always the one being picked on and made fun of. It's like there's a barrier there. I'm willing to bet if that wasn't there, I'd even be willing to dance instead of not dancing and blaming it on my lack of coordination (which isn't a complete lie, though). I can't get past the feeling that everyone is out to point out how stupid I look and stuff. At the dance the other night I was having high school flashbacks constantly. It was the same thing then, just standing around with a cup (usually already emptied) and making smalltalk.
Them: Hey! How are you?
Me: Fine, and you?
Them: I'm ok. Are you done with school yet?
Me: No, not yet. I'm taking a few years off...
That was how most of my discussions went. At least if Teresa was there I'd have someone to talk to that I could have a real discussion with, but then I'd also be worried that she wasn't having a good time and feel like I was a disappointment because I didn't think she really was. I just don't know how to get past these hangups. All the time I'm beating myself up over stupid things I do. I guess if there's no one else around to do it anymore my subconsious is doing it for them.
Why can't I just be the ultra-happy-optimistic person I was 2 or 3 years ago? Why did "Real Life" have to mess up everything? I hate not having enough money to do things I like to do. I guess this is me beating myself up again now, but it's 12:25am, I'm not tired, and I'm listening to Teresa sleep on the phone.
I didn't even get into what I wanted to write about. I also didn't get all my feelings out about this topic. Maybe I'll work on a mega-post offline and post it all at once. Something to do while I'm working at the Mug tomorrow perhaps?
Off to sleep I go now.
Them: Hey! How are you?
Me: Fine, and you?
Them: I'm ok. Are you done with school yet?
Me: No, not yet. I'm taking a few years off...
That was how most of my discussions went. At least if Teresa was there I'd have someone to talk to that I could have a real discussion with, but then I'd also be worried that she wasn't having a good time and feel like I was a disappointment because I didn't think she really was. I just don't know how to get past these hangups. All the time I'm beating myself up over stupid things I do. I guess if there's no one else around to do it anymore my subconsious is doing it for them.
Why can't I just be the ultra-happy-optimistic person I was 2 or 3 years ago? Why did "Real Life" have to mess up everything? I hate not having enough money to do things I like to do. I guess this is me beating myself up again now, but it's 12:25am, I'm not tired, and I'm listening to Teresa sleep on the phone.
I didn't even get into what I wanted to write about. I also didn't get all my feelings out about this topic. Maybe I'll work on a mega-post offline and post it all at once. Something to do while I'm working at the Mug tomorrow perhaps?
Off to sleep I go now.
